Thursday, May 16, 2019

MONEY IN THE BANK PREDICTIONS AND HOLY SHIT RATINGS


Look let’s not mince words…the WWE is a mess right now. Not telling you anything that you don’t know (and probably agree with) from the web sites and the podcasts (Sam ‘the Shill” Roberts always being the exception)…it’s a mess.

I can go on and give you all the reasons and you have your own but it pretty much comes down to three words - - Vincent Kennedy McMahon. He signs this big five year deal with FOX and Comcast and since then has done everything he can to scare the living shit out of the executives at the two companies. I don’t think they all thought this through. There’s a big difference between RAW and SMACKDOWN being on the same channel (USA) for two consecutive nights with two separate “brands” vs. two separate “brands” on two separate platforms separated by three days. Oh, and AEW on TNT in the fall leading to the apparent dissatisfaction in “the back” resulting in the exodus of one (probably more) of their top stars while others are asking for their release, and Saudi Arabia and Lars Sullivan and burying NXT stars and diluting the mighty Black and Gold brand for what? War Raiders-Viking Experience-Viking Raiders seriously what the fuck, and “wildcard” appearances leading to what appears to be the vanishing of the brands resulting in one clusterfuck which will be whatever Vince is feeling on any given show. This is not good and I have just scratched the surface.

I have no idea if FOX and Comcast execs are speaking to Vince but I don’t think it will matter or help. Vince should go play with his once failed football league and let Triple H do his magic to make the WWE NXT-worthy. Other than that, I’m a bit worried.

With all this nonsense we have MONEY IN THE BANK this Sunday. I’m sure while talking about it I will continue the rant so here’s the card with predictions (I assume there will be a finish to each match knowing there won’t) and, as always, the “Holy Shit” 💩 ™ projected ratings. Who knows if this will be the final card. It’s Vince’s prerogative to change his mind.

DB & ROWAN v. THE USOS
This is slated for the pre-show and, honestly, it could be downhill from here. I guess this is for the SMACKDOWN tag titles, I honestly can’t keep track anymore. These guys, well at least three of them are the best and it’s sad that the Usos never get the shine they deserve. Gotta believe it’s too early to take the belts off the “hippies” so the bad guys retain in a 💩💩💩💩1/2 match.

I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE CRUISERWEIGHT PRE-SHOW MATCH It will be fine.

JOE v. REY
Big Samoa Joe mark. Always respect to Rey but I have to assume Joe with another squash and it’s Dominic time. I wish they would give Joe a long run with the belt but not holding my breath. This should be quick and 💩💩 worthy.

KOFI v. KO
Two of my favorites will rock the house but I think Kofi will retain. At some point they need to put a belt on KO and let him run with it for a while and I don’t know what happens to him after this match so I will just sit back and enjoy two pros who will give us a 💩💩💩💩💩 match.

MIZ v. SHANE IN A CAGE
I honestly have no idea what brand these dudes are on and I am not a fan of face MIZ and tired of the McMahons making this all about them. MIZ is one of the “safest” wrestlers there is and he did step it up in the WrestleMania falls count everywhere match but, outside of Shane killing himself at some point I feel this feud isn’t over and will culminate in the land of the killers where it all started a year ago so Shane with the win in a 💩💩1/2 match.

ROMAN V. ELIAS
I don’t really care. Roman in a 💩 match

SETH V. AJ
They are not taking the belt off of Seth and yet this is AJ’s first big match since coming to RAW (I think he’s on RAW). If there is any match that will not have a clean finish here it is, but if there is, Seth retains and it’s 💩💩💩1/2 worthy.

BECKY squared v. CHARLOTTE and then v. LACEY EVANS
This all gives me a headache. Becky is going to stay on RAW when she’s not wild-carding over at SMACKDOWN and Lacey has no right to be in this position even if she is any good. Even Vince can’t put Becky away for a second tier NXTer…or can he…I guess if Charlotte gets first crack and beats the shit out of a victorious Becky and then Lacey picks up the pieces but, if there is a GOD, Becky beats Lacey in a 💩1/2 match, reinjures her leg and Charlotte (the best in the biz alongside KO and her boyfriend if Vince ever let him loose) takes the belt back to SMACKDOWN in a 💩💩1/2 match.

MEN’S MITB
OK let’s eliminate Randy, Corbin, Ali, Finn and Ricochet (but he’s going to be 💩💩💩💩💩 awesome) the MITB winner needs to be a heel with mike skills. Sami’s great but seems to be filling in for Strowman for some back stage reason so it’s down to Drew and Andrade with his business manager Zelina Vega. I would love to see Andrade win this, go on a kick ass run and cash this sucka in at Summer Slam but I think it’s gonna be Drew because…Vince. It will be 💩💩💩💩1/2 at least because there’s a load of guys who can go in this one. One surprise would be if Lesnar inserts himself in this.

WOMEN’S MITB
There are more good wrestlers NOT in this than in it. I think it comes down to Mandy Rose or Bayley…and let’s be clear on this…heel Bayley. Bayley is not great on the mike so I’m going with Mandy in a 💩💩💩 match. The wild card might be Dana Brooke who seems to be emerging a bit but please no. A heel Bayley taunting the champs and former Horsewomen could be fun for a while.

This is not a horrible card. The WWE just needs to get it’s shit together and I believe that means handing over the reins to Mr. Levesque.



Friday, April 5, 2019

WRESTLEMANIA 35 PREDICTIONS AND HOLY SHIT RATINGS


Back in the 1970’s a few of us would religiously go to Madison Square Garden for the monthly WWWF/WWF card. About two thirds of the way through the matches they would announce next month’s card and, surprise surprise, THE FOLLOWING MONTH THAT WOULD BE THE CARD.

It’s Friday before WrestleMania 35 and I honestly don’t know if Vince is finally finished potchkying with the card.

This has been one of the most insane leadups to the biggest wrestling event of the year. Some of it has been awesome (Kofi Kingston). Some of it feels inevitable (Becky) and some of it feels like yesterday’s news (Lesnar/Rollins). Everything else feels like an effort to appease as many on their roster as possible as the WWE starts to feel the heat from AEW as well as the other major competitors (ROH, NJPW).

Other than a few title matches there is little on the card that really excites me although I’m sure there will be several solid matches, but this is exhausting.

Another cloud looming over this event is the move of Smackdown to FOX and the resulting shakeup of the talent. As we slog through this event we may begin to see some signs of what is to come.

There are so many matches on the card (I think 15 and counting) so I will dispense with trying to predict the match order but here are my predictions and “Holy Shit” projections (patent pending) for the show.

WOMEN’S BATTLE ROYAL
I feel terrible for Asuka who is once again wasted here and will probably fall victim to Lacey Evans who will most likely win this thing.
Holy Shit Rating: 💩

ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL
This event has meant bubkis so far and with the addition of the SNL dudes this has become a joke. I’m gonna go with Andrade Cien Almas (I will always give him full name respect) if they want this to mean anything.
Holy Shit Rating: 💩 ½

I don’t care about the Cruiserweight title match but it will be a 💩💩💩💩 match.

Revival v. Ryder/Hawkins
This is a bullshit match and what would make it bullshittier is if they give the local boys the belts. I wouldn’t put it past Vince and then the boys drop the titles on Monday (maybe to Black and Ricochet)
Holy Shit Rating: ½ 💩

Usos v. Black/Ricochet v. The Bar v. Rusev/Shinsuke
I’m getting tired of these Triple Threat and Fatal Four matches. It’s more ballet than wrestling. Having said that, these are all excellent workers and I expect the Usos to retain and in the process the NXT callups will be protected with The Bar doing the honors.
Holy Shit Rating: 💩💩💩

Angle v. Corbin
Oy. I assume this match will never happen and if it does it will be less than three minutes with a ½💩 rating. Someone (maybe Cena) prevents Corbin from entering the ring and Angle is given the farewell he deserves and will go out on his back as it should be. This will elevate it to a 💩 ½ match.

Miz v. Shane
This will be wild and we will all await the stunt that will bring Shane closer to death. I’m gonna go Shane so Miz will further disappoint his dad and that storyline continues.
Holy Shit Ranking: 💩💩💩 ½

Banks/Bayley v. Beth/Natty v. The Iconics v. Jax/Tamina
If the Women’s Tag Team Title is to mean anything they will keep the belts on the “Hug and Boss” (ugh) champs. If they put  the belts on any other team it should be The Iconics. Yeah, they are more than a comedy team and one of them can actually wrestle (Peyton Royce).
Holy Shit Rating: 💩 ½

Somoa Joe v. Rey Mysterio
Rey may or may not have an ankle injury which means either his son Dominic takes his place and Joe demolishes him in a ½ 💩 match or they elevate this and replace Rey with a talent worthy of Joe like KO or Cena or Sami Zayn and we’re in 💩💩💩💩 territory. Regardless I think Joe keeps the belt.

Lashly v. Finn (Demon)
Assuming the Undertaker passes on Mania this will be the entrance that could be longer than the match. The Demon cannot lose so we have a new champ.
Holy Shit Rating:
Entrance 💩💩💩💩
Match: 💩 ½

Trips v. Batista
Trips ain’t goin’ nowhere and he needs to avenge Bootista’s destruction of the Nature Boy. It will be violent and quick.
Holy Shit Rating: 💩 ½

AJ v. Orton
This has a simple story attached to it (indie legend v. third generation and WWE born and bred) and these two could put on one helluva match. I’m going with AJ.
Holy Shit Rating: 💩💩💩💩 ½

Roman Reigns v. Drew McIntyre
There is no way Roman comes back from his battle with cancer just to job for the Scottish Psychopath who will eventually be in the title picture…just not right now.
Holy Shit Rating: 💩💩 ½

OK here’s where it gets interesting. The easy predictions would be:
Kofi
Seth
Becky

I guarantee you that will not happen. Everything that has led up to these matches, and Vince’s involvement in all this, tells me there will be shenanigans galore. I’m gonna go:

Kofi over the New Daniel Bryan in a 💩💩💩💩💩 match of the night. There’s a rumor going around that Kofi’s contract may be invalid and Vince will use that to take the belt away from Kofi and declare a rematch for the vacated title. This is going to be awesome and I hope there is no turn by the other two New Day members.

Seth over Brock. It’s time and this will eventually lead to Seth v. Roman at either Summer Slam or WrestleMania 36. I’m going
💩💩💩 Holy Shits.

With Seth and Kofi winning I’m predicting that Becky does not get to the top of the hill and the best woman’s wrestler of all time Charlotte Flair walks out as the unified champ pinning Rousey.
Becky will get her match with Charlotte down the road and to end the show they will be joined by Bayley and Sasha reuniting the Four Horsewomen only to be attacked by Ronda, Shayna Bazler and her NXT posse. This will set up the MMA v. pro wrestling battle for Summer Slam. That’s why Ronda has been calling wrestling fake.
Oh, by the way, this is a 💩💩💩💩💩 main event.


But remember gang: CARD SUBJECT TO CHANGE


Friday, March 8, 2019

THE BUMPY ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA: FASTLANE PREDICTIONS


Over the past few months the WWE has been a mess.
 
The loss of Roman Reigns as he battled leukemia (fortunately in remission)

The ascendance of Becky Lynch to Steve Austin status (honestly not completely sold).

The panic over ratings leading to the return of the McMahons to prominence on both shows and the demotion of Paige on Smackdown Live (yeah, I know the movie). And why the no rematch clause which they, of course, immediately violate?

The heavily promoted NXT callup fiasco followed by the unannounced NXT callup of their top talent which left NXT in shambles. Now we discover that Tommaso Ciampa is out so wither Gargano.

The blurring of lines between the two brands with the NXT talent floating and the main players in the women’s division crossing between the two shows. Kevin Owens wasn’t he on…..oh it doesn’t matter. Oh, and the women’s tag champs are also untethered from any brand.

Vince going around removing fan favorites Becky and Kofi Kingston from their championship matches only to have Stephanie undo the Becky ban.

Both Shane and Trips headed to big Wrestlemania matches. Why? And Wrestlemania is still pretty much a blank slate less than a month away.

Titles have become nothingburgers. With respect, R Truth? The Revival? Asuka beats Becky clean and has pretty much vanished. Neither the US nor Intercontinental titles are on the Fastlane card and it took me a few minutes to even remember who has the straps.

Oh, and Dean Ambrose is leaving WWE I assume for the “greener pastures” (according to his wife Renee Young) of AEW unless this is all a work, but he still winds up in what I believe will be the main event of Fastlane?

I could go on but I won’t. I will say that I love the straps on the Usos and Daniel Bryan is probably the best thing in the WWE right now. That hemp and wood belt is genius. Somoa Joe with a strap is a move in the right direction. My fear is that everything that I’m enjoying at the moment will be destroyed by the McMahons.

Compounding all this is Fastlane which needs to be over with and I guess everything on this card sets up Wrestlemania so let’s get to it, but first will someone check that Naitch isn’t still lying in a beaten mess in that arena in Atlanta?

As always here are predictions for match order, winners (and emerging Wrestlemania stories) and of course the Holy Shit Scores (patent pending)

PRE-SHOW

New Day (Xavier and Big E) v. Shinsuke Nakamura and Rusev…Kofi is not on the card so expect some involvement in the Bryan/Owens match.
Winners: Nakamura/Rusev…The New Day are beyond titles and the very weak Smackdown tag division could use a team to take on the Usos possibly at Wrestlemania.
Holy Shit Score 💩💩💩 (out of 5)

Rey Mysterio v. Andrade Cien Almas…that’s right I’m using the whole name. Give this man the respect (along with Zelina Vega) he deserves.
Winner: Rey will do the honors here. ACA should be in the main event picture, he’s that good and these two guys do amazing work together. I know faces generally win the pre-show matches but in terms of furthering the stories this makes sense to me.
Holy Shit Score 💩💩💩💩 ½

FASTLANE CARD

Revival v. Black/Richochet v. Gable/Roode
This should be a solid match. All these dudes can wrestle and it’s exciting to see the NXT guys on the card. In fact, ALL these men spent time in the Black and Gold which tells you something.

Winners: Gable/Roode…I think they get the title back with a new more heel attitude. With NXT in flux and Richochet/Black in the Dusty Tournament (I believe they won their first match) I feel hesitant to put the belts on them and the Revival have been losing too much to win over these two teams.

Holy Shit Score 💩💩💩💩 I don’t think R&B are capable of anything less and Gable is no chopped liver.

Asuka v. Mandy Rose It is a shame what they have done to one of their best wrestlers and I don’t mean Mandy Rose. Vince has a thing for the blondes (look at Lacey Evans) but there are better women for Asuka to be fighting.

Winner: Asuka should retain and maybe this is the place for Lacey Evans to make the move for a Wrestlemania match,

Holy Shit Score 💩 ½

Shane/Miz v. The Usos  This should set up the Shane/Miz breakup and their battle at Wrestlemania

Winners: The Usos…yeah it’s Cleveland and Miz is returning as a face. I would not be surprised if Miz’s dad is involved in some way perhaps turning on his own son. That would totally put over Mike as a major face in the company.

Holy Shit Score 💩💩

Bayley/Sasha v. Tamina/Jax
Winners: Boss ‘n’ Hug Connection possibly the worst tag team name in the biz. This should be quick and painless and maybe their next challengers do a run in (if there is a God it’s The Iconics) possibly some team from NXT like Baszler’s posse’.

Holy Shit Score 💩

Daniel Bryan v. KO You know Kofi Kingston will be in the WWE title picture at Wrestlemania but you can’t put Owens in this interim position. He’s too good.

Winner (if there is one): Daniel Bryan but with all sorts of shenanigans involved…a Kofi run in or maybe here is the Bray Wyatt return or all that and a bag of chips.
Holy Shit Score 💩💩💩 ½ This should be match of the night if it weren’t on the road to Wrestlemania where it serves a different purpose.

Becky v. Charlotte…This has been the most confusing story in a long long time. It feels like Vince wakes up every morning and changes his mind, or maybe it’s the whole will she/won’t she Rousey issue. Given the stipulation this only goes one way.

Winner: Becky…would not be surprised if Rousey interferes to get Becky the win. I’m just going to sit back and enjoy.

Holy Shit Score 💩💩💩💩

Shield v. Three Big Guys I’m not sure what the point of all this is. Just like when Daniel Bryan returned and it took a few matches before we forgot about the concussions it’s a way to protect Roman and, if Ambrose is really leaving (I think he is) it’s the farewell match for this great faction. I can’t believe Reigns would turn on Rollins but then again Ambrose turned the night of the Roman’s announcement so who knows; or it’s just an opportunity to see the three fists come together one more time.

Winners: The Shield
Holy Shit Ranking 💩💩💩

Glad this one will be over and done and we can see how the McMahons drive us nuts for the next month.

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