Back in the
1970’s a few of us would religiously go to Madison Square Garden for the
monthly WWWF/WWF card. About two thirds of the way through the matches they
would announce next month’s card and, surprise surprise, THE FOLLOWING MONTH
THAT WOULD BE THE CARD.
It’s Friday
before WrestleMania 35 and I honestly don’t know if Vince is finally finished
potchkying with the card.
This has been one
of the most insane leadups to the biggest wrestling event of the year. Some of
it has been awesome (Kofi Kingston). Some of it feels inevitable (Becky) and
some of it feels like yesterday’s news (Lesnar/Rollins). Everything else feels
like an effort to appease as many on their roster as possible as the WWE starts
to feel the heat from AEW as well as the other major competitors (ROH, NJPW).
Other than a few
title matches there is little on the card that really excites me although I’m
sure there will be several solid matches, but this is exhausting.
Another cloud
looming over this event is the move of Smackdown to FOX and the resulting
shakeup of the talent. As we slog through this event we may begin to see some
signs of what is to come.
There are so many
matches on the card (I think 15 and counting) so I will dispense with trying to
predict the match order but here are my predictions and “Holy Shit” projections
(patent pending) for the show.
WOMEN’S BATTLE
ROYAL
I feel terrible
for Asuka who is once again wasted here and will probably fall victim to Lacey
Evans who will most likely win this thing.
Holy Shit Rating:
💩
ANDRE THE GIANT
MEMORIAL BATTLE ROYAL
This event has
meant bubkis so far and with the addition of the SNL dudes this has become a
joke. I’m gonna go with Andrade Cien Almas (I will always give him full name
respect) if they want this to mean anything.
Holy Shit Rating:
💩 ½
I don’t care
about the Cruiserweight title match but it will be a 💩💩💩💩 match.
Revival v. Ryder/Hawkins
This is a
bullshit match and what would make it bullshittier is if they give the local
boys the belts. I wouldn’t put it past Vince and then the boys drop the titles
on Monday (maybe to Black and Ricochet)
Holy Shit Rating:
½ 💩
Usos v. Black/Ricochet
v. The Bar v. Rusev/Shinsuke
I’m getting tired
of these Triple Threat and Fatal Four matches. It’s more ballet than wrestling.
Having said that, these are all excellent workers and I expect the Usos to
retain and in the process the NXT callups will be protected with The Bar doing
the honors.
Holy Shit Rating:
💩💩💩
Angle v. Corbin
Oy. I assume this
match will never happen and if it does it will be less than three minutes with
a ½ðŸ’© rating. Someone
(maybe Cena) prevents Corbin from entering the ring and Angle is given the
farewell he deserves and will go out on his back as it should be. This will
elevate it to a 💩 ½ match.
Miz v. Shane
This will be wild
and we will all await the stunt that will bring Shane closer to death. I’m
gonna go Shane so Miz will further disappoint his dad and that storyline
continues.
Holy Shit
Ranking: 💩💩💩 ½
Banks/Bayley v.
Beth/Natty v. The Iconics v. Jax/Tamina
If the Women’s
Tag Team Title is to mean anything they will keep the belts on the “Hug and
Boss” (ugh) champs. If they put the
belts on any other team it should be The Iconics. Yeah, they are more than a
comedy team and one of them can actually wrestle (Peyton Royce).
Holy Shit Rating:
💩 ½
Somoa Joe v. Rey
Mysterio
Rey may or may
not have an ankle injury which means either his son Dominic takes his place and
Joe demolishes him in a ½ 💩 match or they elevate this and replace Rey with a
talent worthy of Joe like KO or Cena or Sami Zayn and we’re in 💩💩💩💩 territory. Regardless I think Joe keeps the belt.
Lashly v. Finn
(Demon)
Assuming the
Undertaker passes on Mania this will be the entrance that could be longer than
the match. The Demon cannot lose so we have a new champ.
Holy Shit Rating:
Entrance 💩💩💩💩
Match: 💩 ½
Trips v. Batista
Trips ain’t goin’
nowhere and he needs to avenge Bootista’s destruction of the Nature Boy. It
will be violent and quick.
Holy Shit Rating:
💩 ½
AJ v. Orton
This has a simple
story attached to it (indie legend v. third generation and WWE born and bred)
and these two could put on one helluva match. I’m going with AJ.
Holy Shit Rating:
💩💩💩💩 ½
Roman Reigns v.
Drew McIntyre
There is no way
Roman comes back from his battle with cancer just to job for the Scottish Psychopath who will eventually be in the title picture…just not right now.
Holy Shit Rating:
💩💩 ½
OK here’s where
it gets interesting. The easy predictions would be:
Kofi
Seth
Becky
I guarantee you
that will not happen. Everything that has led up to these matches, and Vince’s
involvement in all this, tells me there will be shenanigans galore. I’m gonna
go:
Kofi over the New
Daniel Bryan in a 💩💩💩💩💩 match of the night. There’s a rumor going around
that Kofi’s contract may be invalid and Vince will use that to take the belt
away from Kofi and declare a rematch for the vacated title. This is going to be
awesome and I hope there is no turn by the other two New Day members.
Seth over Brock. It’s time and this will eventually lead to Seth v. Roman at either Summer Slam
or WrestleMania 36. I’m going
💩💩💩 Holy Shits.
With Seth and
Kofi winning I’m predicting that Becky does not get to the top of the hill and
the best woman’s wrestler of all time Charlotte Flair walks out as the unified
champ pinning Rousey.
Becky will get
her match with Charlotte down the road and to end the show they will be joined
by Bayley and Sasha reuniting the Four Horsewomen only to be attacked by Ronda,
Shayna Bazler and her NXT posse. This will set up the MMA v. pro wrestling
battle for Summer Slam. That’s why Ronda has been calling wrestling fake.
Oh, by the way,
this is a 💩💩💩💩💩 main event.
But remember
gang: CARD SUBJECT TO CHANGE
